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father cursed, “she can’t sprout wings!” but shut the fuck up when you came back from the dead born obsidian outlaw with two heads & two tails, when you came from the dead teeth danced in a velvet mouth, when you came back from the dead Pluto recognized wild cat splash, when you came back from the dead an old crow cauterized peridot, when you came back from the dead father drowned in bird sung salt when you came back from the dead you taught me how to breathe under water & anchor sorrow to the ocean floor, when you came back from the dead mother sang the blues of Forgive & Forget, when you came back from the dead all the sister’s elastic snapped & buttons popped, when you came back from the dead wood fell in love with penciling, when you came back from the dead i broke every bone in my ringing hands, when you came back from the dead exorcisms & cataclysmic shifts plagued your dreams, when you came back from the dead you learned how soft the paw, when you came back from the dead clicked your tongue as you mended our childhood, when you came back from the dead mother said, “can’t make someone fall in love,” when you came back from the dead sisters memorized the sound of closing doors, when you came back from the dead we woke the world every morning with the sound of frying eggs, when you came back from the dead for my sister & comrade of the heart, Tilly  magical mornings. If you’d like to make an important donation to support this valuable work, there’s a Paypal link on the sidebar of my website. I’d really love to receive $25-$50 for my creative efforts & healing channeling today in the form of this post. Your energy exchange of $1-$25 makes all the difference! Thank you so much!
we’re all in pie this is our first pie pie we’re committing to this recipe pie i wanted to make aprons for this pie but not like the denim one with a pocket from my childhood pie do you like to eat butter & sugar & vanilla extract pie yes i do pie this is how you measure flour properly pie this is how you measure flour properly pie this is how you measure flour properly pie meet my internalized mom pie hi internalized mom i’m lettie pie its ok its gonna be ok pie please don’t leave me pie is that what you think of me pie i’m feeling vulnerable right now pie scared its not gonna work pie are we doing it right pie i’ve never seen this side of you before pie shortening & butter for our crust pie how do we use the processor pie i don’t want to break anything pie let’s add another tsp of ice cold water pie our hands are our tools pie split dough into two disks pie chill in the fridge for two hours pie turns out we needed those two hours pie learning how to peel apples pie goddamn those honey crisp apples are good pie you’re in charge of the lemon juice pie i cut myself with this knife last week pie no blood in the pie pie what is allspice pie freshly grated ginger pie tsp vs tbsp pie let’s use all the spices pie don’t eat all the apples pie oh shit we need a real pie tin pie run to super savers late at night pie wait its not 3am pie a glass pie dish next time pie can we add more sugar pie this is my baby rolling pin pie tlc’s creep on repeat in the kitchen pie how the fuck do we roll out crust pie are you sure pie is it supposed to look like that pie not enough flour on the counter pie barefoot contessa does it like this pie well that’s all you needed to say pie spot on telepathy pie body memory taking over pie only one of us can fall apart at a time pie laughing can’t even talk pie i’m sorry i laughed at your rolling skills pie that’s where i had the temp before pie someday we’ll make apple butter jelly with the peelings pie making plans for when we’re in our 40’s pie what is a high rise crust pie are you fixing my crimping pie oh sorry pie no keep fixing it pie you are loved pie egg & heavy cream wash pie more body memory pie how do you make a star again pie i’ve been practicing hearts all my life for this pie omg an hour and twenty minutes in the oven pie sorry we woke you up pie gossip girl pie why is everyone kissing but us pie how can i bring up that convo from last week pie so do you like me pie yeah i like you pie but do you like me-like me pie long pause pie yeah i do pie i told the water witch pie i was wondering who you’d tell pie i’ve been waiting for you to say it for a long time pie were you just gonna wait forever pie yeah pie how much should i share pie i realized i liked you on your birthday pie it was when you were all kissing my face pie then you kissed my mouth pie i’m so glad you’re laughing pie is it all of a sudden hot in here pie sugar burning on the bottom of the oven pie we need a bigger cookie sheet next time pie set off the smoke alarm pie oh shit this pie is hot pie oh we needed all those apples pie what you gotta let it rest pie didn’t we almost have it all pie  the infamous pie itself. dec 2014.  venus is in retrograde right now, & has been fucking me up. last monday my best friend etc. broke up with me via shitty fb message, i had to move out of my house where i've been surviving in a trauma state for the past 3+ months, & then i got fired from from my job. none of this feels fair, but i have been here before: houseless, best friendless, jobless, scared & feeling alone. luckily, i have some beautiful hearts that still love me that i've been reaching out to, & they are keeping me alive. i also got a floor to sleep on until further notice. but the most important lesson i've got humming in my bones is that i am still worth something. i am still a person who deserves more. & i know that i can continue trusting myself, no matter what.
this is a poem i wrote three heartbreaks ago. i will love again. my whale heart is too big not to let me. this is a love poem i wrote for e before things didn't work out. once upon a time there were two sharks both wounded & beautiful & open they swam in waters hostile & blue cold & needed lonely & deep one day, while they were swimming, they happen to cross each other’s fins but at first they weren’t sure they did in fact see another shark & they kept swimming (because that’s how they learned to stay alive—never stop moving) but their hearts kept beating & booming turnaroundturnaroundturnaround gobackgobackgobackgobackgoback ifeelthemifeelthemifeelthemifeelthem & before it was too late each of them did turned around went back & said with their eyes i feel you & i see you they swam full lengths of the ocean filling their waters with their own warmth sharing stories & woundings & resilience strategies they shared their favorite feeding sites & where they go at night to see glowy things & swam into sunrise after sunrise i dunno if they lived happily ever after but i can tell you they came back again & again heeding their hearts when told turnaroundturnaroundturnaround gobackgobackgobackgobackgoback ifeelthemifeelthemifeelthemifeelthem & that’s happier than they ever dared to be no holds barred i will use all the words i said i couldn’t & come hand in hand with the ones who know i will give myself permission to cry & rage all the pain & come undone in the safety of a real home with chosen family i will pick your bones clean & come down with the giggles as i do i will throw that brick through your window & come home with over two years worth of satisfaction i will not give up on the ones who love me & come with open heart as i teach them how to fight for me i will give you all your shit back & come away with all that you stole i will be the crack in the foundation of this fucked up place & come & come & come as you all say my name with utter shock & dismay i will scrape my name from your tongue & come with lighter fluid & boiling water & baking soda i will finally center myself in this whole fuckery & come into the femmeiverse as i was always mean to be i will bury the leftovers & irreconcilables & come with the perfect song  thank the goddesses for therapy as my life falls apart, & some would say, into place. future ancestor lettie says that, "this is your life falling into place. i have never left. you are so loved." july 2015.  Baby Lettier & her Future Ancestor Lettie. We have always been loved. ***CW: i'm talking some about an admission to a psych hospital & self harm & therapy session. i'm also processing some familial trauma related to home, but am not explicitly detailing anything. as always, if these might be things that trigger feels that hurt more than heal, please be gentle with yourself & keep breathing. I'm in the midst of moving right now, & facing the ever present trauma of trying to dream & create home. I felt like now is the time to share this because my intuition tells me it is one of the many reasons I keep finding myself in a home where I do not feel safe, where I am not respected, where how I feel & what I share are not valued, & my boundaries are so blatantly shit on. This is a story as old as me. Probably older. Old patters of home not being a safe place, I release you. A DREAM I once dreamt of a fire in a field that existed in a shopping mall. Before I saw the flames I saw the smoke, clouds flooded the ceiling & nobody seemed to care or notice. Alarmed, I tried finding the source (my whole life), & what I found was a dry grassy hill in flames. Once discovered, I tried frantically to warn my family, “We need to get out! There’s a fire!” but everyone ignored me. I tried to go along with whatever activity everyone was doing, but was too upset to focus. It wasn’t until later that other cries of FIRE! engulfed crowds & they began to evacuate. I didn’t leave right away because I had to search for my family. I only remember feeling sick as I looked all over, wandering through dressing rooms full of mirrors. I think we got out. I haven’t yet died in a dream. NOT A HOMECOMING The first night I returned to my family, after being released from the psych hospital for the second time & staying with family friends for about a month, our house was kissed by a fire. We could have died. I had been hospitalized because my suicidal ideation was intensifying, & during my routine therapy appointment I confessed to taking more pills than was perscribed. I was not taking enough to die, but enough to fuck me up, to begin hallucinating etc. This was one of the many ways I practiced hating & trying to destroy myself. Some part of me was worried, maybe it was Future Ancestor Lettie, maybe it was someone else, but there was something, someone who did not want me to die. So when my therapist asked if I could keep myself safe, I said no. & when my therapist asked if I might need to be hospitalized again, I said yes. I needed to live. My cousin, who was living with us, came to pick me up. I knew my mother was cooking dinner, that is why she sent him instead, & I imagined her making frybread & tortillas, meat cooking on the small stove, lights always dim. Instead of taking me home to have dinner, my cousin ended up sitting with me during the admission process. I remember crying, curling myself into a ball, wanting to become so small nobody would ever find me. I was also scared of what my mom would do, what she would say. I was afraid everyone would be mad at me because I had failed to “get better.” My cousin was probably the most perfect person to be there. All he did was love me & tell me stories, stories about survival & love & what family really means. Maybe he also knew that I was too close to death all the time, everyday. When I remember back to myself or time travel back to baby dyke Lettie, I can see it. & I wonder how others could have ignore it so easily. Once I was admitted, I was there for over a week before my mother visited me. She was mad. For almost ten days I wore the same clothes, sat alone amidst groups of families on family therapy nights, & cried all the damn time. When it came time to discharge me, my staff & parents had decided that going back to stay with my family was not the best option, that I should be placed elsewhere. My parents picked family friends for me to stay with, & that was that. I wasn’t averse to the plan because I also agreed that going back to my family was not the best for me. We all hoped this interlude would change something--probably me. TOO HOT TO LOVE I liked my new place. I lied about being able to receive mail, & my then boyfriend would send me an occasional letter telling me how much he loved me still, & how someday we could be together without my mother who hated him interfering. This family friend owned a local café in the small rual town I had actually lived in when I was born. I thought about that a lot, how time had made some kind of fucked up loop. I didn’t consciously know then about time travel being something I can do, but I imagine that this was some of the training grounds for time traveling to love myself. My routine was set. I’d wake up with this family friend, we’d drink coffee (we drank so much coffee), get ready, go do all the things you need to do to open a café, work until late afternoon when should would bring me home, cook there, eat dinner, read, write, work on school packets, shower, daydream, & go to bed. Some days I’d stay & close with her. Some nights we would stay up so late talking that we’d get hungry again & she’d make us tuna sandwiches, which I still remember, to go with our pot of coffee. She would smoke while I would add more cream & sugar to my cup, & we’d share stories. She believed in me. & she listened to every story. As time went by, it became clear I could not stay as long as we had planned. She was letting me know it was time for me to go with sentiments like, “You’re getting along easier with your family now, huh.” She was referring to my mom picking me up for my appointments, us being able to be around each other, & the occasional sleepover when she was too tired to drive me back to where I was staying. Our family friend had a lot of love to give, which is probably why everyone thought it was a good idea for me to stay there in the first place, but there are always limits. I suspect that her other two children did not like all the time & attention I was receiving. The older one was almost never home because they were gonna get married later that year & was spending all their time taking college courses & staying with their sweetie. & the younger one was spending time with their friends mostly. Even with the caring of me, her own children were never neglected. She doted & loved as before, the only difference was that I was there when they weren’t, when they didn’t want to be. In my opinion, everyone took her for granted. They really didn’t know how good they had it. Even though I was taking their scraps, that was threatening enough. My time was up. I had to return home to my family. While I was gone, my family of 6 had moved out of the 25 foot long travel trailer we had lived in for about 3 years, & into the west side of a two level duplex. Nobody told me we had moved. It was a fuckin surprise. But not one that felt good. My mom was so excited to show me & my dad the new place! She was even making beans & frybread to commemorate this new beginning. She turned the stove on to heat up oil for bread, then took us for a quick look upstairs. We took longer than we thought, & when we came back downstairs, there was a fluorescent glow on the wall opposite of the kitchen--it was a fire! Luckily my sister knew it could be extinguished with salt, & the flames were gone. My dad put the hot pan on the porch to cool off. We later realized that doing that left a big scorch mark that would accompany my family the whole time they lived there. This was also the night I realized there was no room for me. Everyone had a room with a door that closed except for me. I got to stay in the small library-maybe-office space by the front door. I once told my therapist, “I felt like I was put out on the porch.” For the few remaining months that I lived there, I never had privacy, but that was nothing new. Living in a 25 foot long travel trailer, where the only place you can get privacy is the tiny bathroom in the middle, had prepared me for all the ways I would be surveiled. & I know how to cry so others won’t hear me. THE FIRE One morning, a few years ago, I was watching a cooking show segment about how to handle grease fires. They had a fireman in all the gear standing off to the side with a fire extinguisher as the host created a grease fire. It was amazing to watch it catch, seemingly pop out of thin air when the oil became too hot. I was instantly reminded of the grease fire in the kitchen when I first came home to a house where there had been no room made for me. The on air host simply covered the flame with a cooking lid & all was well. The host then turned to the camera, stove at their back, continuing their dialogue about cooking or whatever, & then THE FIRE STARTED AGAIN. The fireman who was on watch used the fire extinguisher, & the cooking host nervously laughed & said something about that’s why an extinguisher in the kitchen is important. But they still looked uneasy. I took this story to my bruja therapist at my next appointment. Bruja: Feel into that. What did you feel when saw that the flame could not be contained with the lid? Me: I was afraid… Bruja: What does it remind you of? Me: That time there was a fire in the new house… Bruja: Why were you afraid? Just feel into it… Me: WE COULD HAVE DIED! [cries] Bruja: Yes, you could have died. What else? What else was put out on the porch because it was too hot? Me: Me? Bruja: Yes. & that dream where there was a fire & you saw the smoke first. You knew something was wrong, but nobody listened. They wanted proof, but even when you discovered where the smoke was coming from, they didn’t listen. It was only when enough other people started acknowledging the danger that they began to listen, but you still had to go & find them. You wanted to save them. Me: [crying & feeling something old finally being released.] Bruja: & you. Nobody listened to you when you were trying to tell them about what was happening to you. Nobody listened to the smoke. Nobody believed that there was a fire somewhere. & then you burst into a flame. & then what happened? What happens when you burst into a flame? Me: I’m dangerous. Bruja: Yes, to them. Me: I can burn them down. I’m too hot. They're afraid I'm gonna kill them. Bruja: So where did they put you? Too hot truth teller. Crazy girl who can’t get better, who is always smoking & talking of a fire with her body? Me: On the porch. Bruja: Yes. & who can’t be contained? Me: [laughs] Me! Bruja: So what do they do when they can’t contain you? Me: They try to extinguish me-- Bruja:--with what? Me:--this patriarchal figurehead that smothers...puts out my fire... Bruja:...tries to control your heat. Because you’re dangerous if they can’t control you. You’re not gonna let them ignore that there is a fire somewhere that is hurting you. & probably hurting them, too. Me: Fires need oxygen, they need to breathe. Bruja: Yes, you do. If you’d like to make an important donation to support this valuable work, there’s a Paypal link on the sidebar of my website. I’d really love to receive $50-$100 for my creative efforts & healing channeling today in the form of this post. Your energy exchange of $1-$50 makes all the difference! Thank you so much!
 the morning of my 32nd birthday. felt the need to document that i'm actually here, because every year beyond 18 is a femmeiracle. ***CW: I’m talking about mental health stuff & mention being institutionalized & substance use. If these are things that can overwhelm or trigger, please be gentle with yourself. I trust you, & you doing everything right. Heart. I’ve been thinking about writing this for a long time, but really want to do it today. Maybe it’s the new moon in Cancer. Maybe it’s because I just had my 32nd birthday. Maybe it's because Pluto just paid us a visit & that energy is all about deep shifts & cleaning up old shit. Maybe because it’s time. There are just so many layers to what I want to share.
If you're interested in what kind of healing work I do, you can visit High Moon Femme Tarot at www.highmoonfemmetarot.com for more info. Heart. If you’d like to make an important donation to support this valuable work, there’s a Paypal link on the sidebar of my website. I’d really love to receive $50-$100 for my creative efforts & healing channeling today in the form of this post. Your energy exchange of $1-$50 makes all the difference! Thank you so much!
 (11. selfies of blowing myself kisses.) i'm always reading these lists for how to deal with // do what you gotta do to get through depression, & wonder, "what would my list look like?" today i am writing that list. here are my tired, tried, & true methods for surviving myself when i just can't keep afloat.
i've come to a place where i can honor all the ways i have survived & to honor the ways in which all stay alive. my survival is messy & perfectly imperfect. bless us as we keep breathing & finding ways to connect to love. If you’d like to make an important donation to support this valuable work, there’s a Paypal link on the sidebar of my website. I’d really love to receive $50-$100 for my creative efforts & healing channeling today in the form of this post. Your energy exchange of $1-$50 makes all the difference! Thank you so much!
i've been going through it. i dunno if you know, but just to clarify, i get fucked over a lot. like, it isn't a fluke that happens every once in a while, it is systemic & it happens all the fuckin time. these things always involve people i love & trust with privilege that isn't being accounted for, even after multiple conversations where i do copious amounts of preparation & emotional labour. it sucks. it hurts. i'm not saying it's gonna be this way forever & ever, but it has been thus far. last night i just got tired of holding this all in, so 1 title became 33, which i really like because my 32nd birthday is coming up & there's one more for good luck. & here i am , here we are. i share these with lots of love & a fuck you to those applicable. xoxo
 my glow from last night. end of june 2015. |
Photo by Wit López, 2016
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Photo by Wit López, 2016.
High Moon Femme
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