i have survived this before

venus is in retrograde right now, & has been fucking me up.  last monday my best friend etc. broke up with me via shitty fb message, i had to move out of my house where i've been surviving in a trauma state for the past 3+ months, & then i got fired from from my job.  none of this feels fair, but i have been here before: houseless, best friendless, jobless, scared & feeling alone.  luckily, i have some beautiful hearts that still love me that i've been reaching out to, & they are keeping me alive.  i also got a floor to sleep on until further notice.  but the most important lesson i've got humming in my bones is that i am still worth something.  i am still a person who deserves more.  & i know that i can continue trusting myself, no matter what.

this is a poem i wrote three heartbreaks ago.  i will love again.  my whale heart is too big not to let me.  this is a love poem i wrote for e before things didn't work out.


once upon a time
there were two sharks
both wounded & beautiful & open

they swam in waters hostile & blue
cold & needed
lonely & deep

one day, while they were swimming, they happen to cross each other’s fins
but at first they weren’t sure they did in fact see another shark
& they kept swimming
(because that’s how they learned to stay alive—never stop moving)
but their hearts kept beating & booming
turnaroundturnaroundturnaround
gobackgobackgobackgobackgoback
ifeelthemifeelthemifeelthemifeelthem

& before it was too late
each of them did
turned around
went back
& said with their eyes
i feel you & i see you 

they swam full lengths of the ocean
filling their waters with their own warmth
sharing stories & woundings & resilience strategies

they shared their favorite feeding sites 
& where they go at night to see glowy things
& swam into sunrise after sunrise

i dunno if they lived happily ever after
but i can tell you they came back
again & again
heeding their hearts when told

turnaroundturnaroundturnaround
gobackgobackgobackgobackgoback
ifeelthemifeelthemifeelthemifeelthem

& that’s happier than they ever dared to be