How I Survive My Depression: Diving Deeper With My Whale Heart in Tow

(11. selfies of blowing myself kisses.)

i'm always reading these lists for how to deal with // do what you gotta do to get through depression, & wonder, "what would my list look like?"  today i am writing that list.  here are my tired, tried, & true methods for surviving myself when i just can't keep afloat.

1. cry.  i cry all the time & then none of the time.  & even though i am an experienced crier, when i am really sad & am trying so hard not to be, i fight it like i'm fighting for my life.  i cry in my bed under covers.  i send panda inside so i can be alone in the car & cry.  i cry to myself in the mirror, sometimes slobbering apologies to myself or asking myself questions.  i cry to the moon, whether outside or through a window.  i watch movies or shows that bring on the cry.  i cry on the way to work & take bathroom breaks to sob into the sink.  i cry as i walk from place to place.  i cry in my sleep sometimes, too.  if there is a place where i am, i've probs cried there. 
2. getting super involved with an online television show.  i sometimes watch movies, but i'm much more into longer story lines that i can dedicate my life to.  one that fucked me up is buffy.  it has taken me years to get to season 7, where i currently reside.  i often take comfort in the themes of this one person who has to save the goddamn world every single day & with exception of one episode, nobody really ever says thank you.  like, i know she's a white girl & shit, but the themes of death eating & crossing that line of life & death, which she does over & again, feel so true to me, i can still connect.  
3. finding themes & archetypes in whatever show or movie i'm watching feels really good for me.  last year, when i was going through it, again, i watched end of the world movies, one after another.  & slowly i began to feel a thread that could be pulled inward.  in these movies, in these dire situations where all hope was lost, characters who were deemed "crazy" by ableist standards were given opportunities to work their crazy magic.  i identify as crazy, as mad, as someone with perpetual ptsd, & i really liked that it was these characters (that everyone seemed to discard of) that saved the day.  we are important & brilliant in our craziness.  there are more examples & stuff, but i'll stop here for now.
4. play the same song(s) on repeat forever.  i have been known to play a song or set of songs for days, weeks, maybe even months.  if panda or someone else is like, change the song!  not again! i don't care.  for me, it acts as something that can hold whatever i am feeling.  i feel like there is a magic that happens, & i never wanna feel bad for whatever it is i gotta do to get through.  they're usually pretty mournful, & i just want something that matches my stride.
5. don't change my clothes or take showers for days at a time.  there was a winter where i embraced what i called pajama glam because i could not bring myself to change out of my pajamas because my heart was so fucking busted.  it was a pair of light gray long johns & a cream tank top, so i added a cute tan ankle boot & my long black wool coat & layered cute scarves on top--taa daa!  pajama glam.  i know that water in showers, & baths in general, can be so good for self-caring, but sometimes i just don't want to & i don't want to feel bad about it.  & i think that is ok.
6. when insomnia hits, like gets really bad, i try to work with it.  as a single mamma femme, it can be near impossible to get free time to cry or watch my show(s), so i use middle of the night insomia time for that.  sometimes i write, clean my altar, pray, talk to myself & future ancestor lettie.  pretending to clean my room while doing laundry & watching a show is kind of a fave, too.  it really sucks, though, if i have to work early the next day.  in that instance, i try to get myself to at least lie down for a few hours & be gentle with myself when i inevitably crash & sob the next day.  i've flirted with tinctures & teas & bedtime rituals, but when the trauma comes at me with fervor, sometimes all i can do is survive, & some of the newer practices are not feasible.  i trust that i'll be able to find balance with it again, whatever that looks like for me.
7. overshare // reach out for support on fb to connect with femmes & other people who care for & love me in good ways.  i am reaffirmed that i belong in this world, that i am perfect, that i am valuable, that i am magical.  this is my lifeblood.  i am practicing how to do this for myself, & these deer ones are supporting me in that.  this is something that has saved my life so many times.  it wasn't until i was in my 30's that this happened for me.  **cw: talking about suicidal feels** i am also blessed to be in relationship with people that i can spend time with in this city that understand suicidal feels.  one time i texted a friend, "i just really wanna die."  & they responded with, "i would miss you if you left, but i'd understand, too."  & that was exactly what i needed.  its kinda hard to explain why that made such a difference for me, but it did.  as a younger person, i lived every day with suicidal feels, & i was shamed for this.  shaming me for my very valid feels did not fucking help.  
8. sex myself when i have the energy & motivation to do so.  a good orgasm can at least help shift my energy sometimes.  but this can also go awry & make me feel more lonely.  sex in general is a rarity for me because of where i live, but i go through bouts of feeling bold & try to arrange hookups that rarely come to fruition.  when i'm getting ready, i'll get this faint feeling of this isn't gonna work, & will keep on doing my thing, & then it'll totes fall apart.  that's when i usually remind myself how terribly these things can go & that i have actually thought i would've been better off staying home.  jerking off can help circumnavigate the bullshit.
9. makeup.  i've been learning how to do my makeup via youtube tutorials, & this past fall when i was in a deep spiral of not wanting to live feels & insomnia, i spent my time crafting lots of dramatic makeup with deep purples & smokey eyes to help me embody death.  i wanted the dead feeling inside to be on the outside.  i wanted my pain to be visible in some way, to bring it through.  i've also spent time with glitter & bronzers & eyeshadow palettes galore.  this past winter was also when i survived by buying lots of clearance makeup online, & i made sure to include cute love notes to myself in the packaging.
10. when shit is really bad, i give myself permission to do nothing but stay i bed & watch shows & eat takeout even if i'm broke or whatever.  i turn off all the feels, dissociate, choose food i like so i'll at least eat something & not have to do the dishes later, & keep breathing.  all that matters on those days is that i stay alive.  

i've come to a place where i can honor all the ways i have survived & to honor the ways in which all stay alive.  my survival is messy & perfectly imperfect.  bless us as we keep breathing & finding ways to connect to love.  

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