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INSIDE THIS HEART OF MINE

High Moon Femme Tarot Edition of this Full Moon Lunar Eclipse in Aries:  Fresh Blood & Oxygen for Your Wounds

9/27/2015

 
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Happy Full Moon Lunar Eclipse, Sweet Ones!

Who else couldn't sleep last night?  I stopped checking the time around 4am MST because it was making me more anxious.  I was writing letters to Baby Future Ancestor Lettie in my head & crying.  & then I spent the first half of my day feeling sad & watching family dramas & crying some more.  Admittedly, they all had a mom theme.  Guess what I was crying about?  (& probably still am, just on the inside.)

Tonight there is a full lunar eclipse that will make the moon blush a glorious rusty red.  The first time I watched a full moon lunar eclipse was about four years ago.  I remember praying & wondering what my future would be like.  There were so many things I could not know, so many things we would survive to get to here.  It has not been easy.  I'm so close to getting things I want, necessary & beautiful things, life things that make me want to stay here, important gift things that make me a believe in my own magic.  I am so close to Home.  & for as close as I am, I also feel so far.  Where was I going with this again?

The Blood Moon is here.  I was looking back at the New Moon
reading from a few weeks ago, & noticed that every card shone back that same rusty red, which tells me that the stars & planets & Ancestors have been prepping us for this shedding for a while now.  & there it is in the last card, that rusty red fire suite fortuneteller. 

Ok, I think we're ready now.  Let's dive!

Past:  Mentor of Feathers
Present:  Seeker of Feathers
Future:  Five of Keys

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Past: Mentor of Feathers
This card is all about expressing your grief.  The blue "speaking bubbles" above the crow are shaped like lungs, & lungs are where we hold our grief.  The crow is a bird that is magical & powerful & is able to travel back & forth from Life to Death & back to Life again.  

​This is a card about letting the grief out, naming it, telling yourself the truth of the pain or sharing it with someone you trust.  Though this may be an old grief, according to the fallacy that is linear time, this wound is tender to the touch.  It still requires a lot of energy to protect it, which means it's not as healed as you hoped.  That's ok.  You just have to find a way to let it out.  I wrote a blog post, "How to Help Die What Needs to Die," yesterday, that can help.

The main idea here is to let it out.  The reasons you kept it in were valid & your trust was true, & now things are different.  You do not have to hold these hurts so close to or in your precious heart space.  You get to have more room to breathe & more room to grow.

Uhhhh, I just realized that I wrote this in the present tense & it was supposed to be in the past tense.  So, if you've followed the intuitions to let some things go, you're doing so good!  & if you received the inner promptings to do that but were unsure, this is your sign to do it!  & if you were unaware, well now you know, tender heart!

If you’d like to make an important donation to support this valuable work, there’s a Paypal link on the sidebar of my website.  I’d really love to receive $50-$100 for my creative efforts & healing channeling today in the form of this post.  Your energy exchange of $1-$50 makes all the difference!  Thank you so much!  

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​Present: Seeker of Feathers

The naming, releasing, & clearing work you are doing is making room to strengthen your relationship to Spirit.  In this card, you are the person with arm stretched out, & Spirit is the bird.  Seeker of Feathers is an exercise in trust.

Sometimes when we are practicing our magic & reacquainting ourselves with our power, we get nervous that we asked for "too much" or that we don't deserve the good shit in life, so we start trying to predict how to help Spirit help us.  Before we know it, we are moving in circles, backtracking, apologizing for taking up space, for asking for what we want, for daring to breathe life into our dreams.  

The result is that Spirit, the benevolent being that Spirit is, makes the accommodations to meet us where we are, re-orchestrating miracles & healing & abundance on our behalf.  But in a state of fear, those old stories of "How Dare I?!?"  & " I Knew Better Than to Ask For..." fire up, when all that is required is to hold still & breathe.  You can trust that what is yours will come.   

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Future: Five of Keys
What is left after the devastation of trauma?  Five of Keys wants to know!

This card isn't necessarily foretelling something traumatic occurring, though that is a possibility, but rather how do we gather ourselves after?  What kinds of things do you tell yourself about yourself?  Do you begin swallowing self-blame & shame?  Do you berate yourself for not knowing better?  Do you heap fuel onto these devastating flames, or a cool hand to your soft brow?

Wounds need fresh blood & oxygen to heal, & I think that is what this card is referring to.  It is common for older, powerful Survival Selves to appear once we begin changing deeply rooted stories & patterns, & our only task is to love them, to love ourselves.    You can honor your own survival without burning everything to the ground again because maybe that was necessary before, but that time is past.  Breathe.  Trust.  Grieve.  Let go.  Ask.  Dream.  Live.  All of these things also pay homage to the ash you carry in your chest.  This is the fresh blood & oxygen you need.  Give it.  Receive it.

Good luck!  I am cheering you on!  Cheering us all on!  We never survive alone.

As I Breathe & Bleed, 
Lettie
​High Moon Femme Healer

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Lettie Laughter has over 10 years experience as a community healer, reading tarot & providing other energetic means of healing for loved ones near & far.  They are also trying to get Home & are fundraising to make it happen!  Please donate to their YOUCARING or PayPal (info on the right sidebar), or book a tarot reading with them for your own magical healing experience--you deserve it!

How to Help Die What Needs to Die: Deatheater Femme & the Autumn Equinox with a Scoop of Mercury in Retrograde

9/26/2015

 
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This past Wednesday was the Autumn Equinox.  I'm going through a lot of changes, upheavals really, & from what I observe, you might be as well.  Luckily, as a death-eating femme, I know a thing or two about how to make room for pulled from the Pluto-root life upheavals, AND the blessings this will bring. 

First-first thing you should know, this shit is not your fault.  It's probably in your stars or something (book me for a reading & we can find out for sure), & while you may have been able to put this inevitable crossroads off for a few more months, or at least days, this is where you were always meant to be.  You can trust this process, too.

Mercury in Retrograde always wants us to check our shit before we go involving other people, & I urge you to do so now.  With these big life shifts, it can be tempting to blame it on this injustice or that fucked up situation, & I have no doubt that there were lots of things beyond your influence, but all that matters is that you are here.  What are you going to do?

You can pretend you don't know what cycle I am referring to, that you have in fact no intuitive sense that you've been here before or that this was more than probable, but if you could take a deep breath right now ---------- there.  That.  There is no need to tire yourself further.  You are right where you need to be.  

​Now, let's get on about this helping die what needs to die business.

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  1. Pray for yourself first, surrender the thing that’s been burning in your heart to Spirit.  I promise, Spirit can handle it.  You do not have to carry it alone.
  2. Let the feelings out—cry, moan, yell, break down & open, pound, wiggle, breathe.  Don’t try & make sense of it first, sometimes the clarity around emotion comes after the release.
  3. Forgive yourself.  You are always changing.  You are not the same person who did that thing, who hurt the one you loved, who didn’t know how to do it better, who has always had & will always have a good heart.  
  4. Accept the things you have no control over.  This includes everything & everyone that is not you.  No matter what happens, you are enough.  You have always been enough, done enough, loved & fought hard enough.  In fact, you are more than enough.  You are perfect.  You are made up of Ancestral prayers.
  5. Bury that rotten thing in your arms, the one that you’ve been dragging around for years.  I know it hurts.  I know it's hard.  I know you don’t know how.  May I offer a few suggestions?
  6. Visit a body of water if you can.  But before you do, write the thing that Spirit has already been calling back onto paper in whatever format you’d like.  Burn it & keep the ash.  Add flowers or seeds or stones or crystals or your hair or other burned to ash things, & take it to the water.
  7. Call upon your Ancestors, your Spirit Guides, Goddesses & Gods, Sacred Beings, or even your holy Future Ancestral Self.  Ask them to help you, to take it from you, to take care of it because you have done all that you can & now you accept that it is time to surrender.  
  8. Offer them sweet things as gifts of your gratitude: chocolate, flowers, tears, & whatever else you feel inspired to give.  If you ask them, they will let you know.  They want to connect with you & help you because they love you.
  9. Take deep breaths.  Feel that all that room?  That’s where your new life is growing.  Tell yourself over & over how you deserve answered prayers.  Be gentle & patient with this new you.  
  10. When I was in Jr. High, the school counselor passed out bookmarks with affirmations on them.  When I first read these words, I felt no connection or reaction, but today they are the short story-to-the-point version of my life:                                
           I am loveable.  I am worthwhile.  I matter because I exist.

Every word is true.  I promise.

XO
Lettie
High Moon Femme Healer

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Lettie Laughter is a community healer single femme mama.  They are currently trying to raise $$$money$$$ to get them & their kiddo to their next home where beloved femmeily is awaiting their arrival!  If Lettie's work has ever brought you clarity or comfort, please consider donating to their fundraiser or PayPal, both located on the right sidebar, & sharing this info.  You can also support by booking a reading of your own!    


Help Us Get to Our New Home! High Moon Femme Tarot Scheduling Magic Fundraiser

9/23/2015

 
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Panda Mom & Panda Pie. We're totes intergenerational twinners, & Panda is my everything. They are what I set my compass North to.

Sweet Ones,
 
My kiddo, Panda, & I need help getting to our new home that is 2,142 miles away from Salt Lake City!  

Stable housing has been a dream for us for a long time because poverty is a reality for this sick & disabled queer brown single mama femme community healer, & making sure our basic needs are met has been a struggle more often than not.  

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We were recently gifted a place to stay in a city where we are wanted, where femmeily is calling our names with arms & hearts open!  We have never before been offered such gifts, & you can bet I happy sobbed as the last sign came to me (lol it was more like the confirming sign because the signs have not stopped--i need a lot of confirmation), & I have been doing my best at getting us out.

I thought about driving us, about a cross country road trip with the few big belongings I wanted to keep (mainly my new bed & my altar), but my mental, emotional, & spiritual health are depleting faster than I can replenish.  We are now gonna fly.  This is where you come in.

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Panda loves selfies almost as much as I do!

We need:
$800 for one-way plane tickets ASAP
$550 for bills
$450 for medical expenses 
$200 for food
Total: $2,000


***UPDATE***
We're at $100 in donations & 3 appointments scheduled so far! 
Thank you so much for reading, donating, & sharing.  <3 

How this breaks down:
67 appointments for 30 min. sessions at $30
or 45 appointments for 30 min. sessions at $45
or 33 appointments for 60 min. sessions at $60
or 25 appointments for 60  min. sessions at $80
or 23 appointments for 90 min. sessions at $90
or 14 appointments for 90 min. sessions at $150


THIS ONLY WORKS IF YOU SCHEDULE A READING WITH ME!

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WHY YOU SHOULD SCHEDULE A READING WITH ME!

With 10+ years experience, my readings have helped others believe in their magic, connected people with passed loved ones & Ancestors, & acted as guide for rituals & spiritual practices.  I offer all this & more with gentleness, clarity, & a personal understanding of intersecting oppressions.

You can schedule with me through my website at 
www.highmoonfemmetarot.com, where you can also read more about me & the testimonials previous clients have so generously shared!  Make an appointment for yourself, for you friend who's going through it, or a couple's reading with you sweetie!  

You are also welcome to donate any amount to my Paypal (email lettie.laughter@gmail.com--do it friends & family) or our 
YOUCARING fundraiser, both located on the right sidebars.  Please consider donating what you can if anything I've written or shared has acted as healing balm to your heart!  & make sure to share with your networks, your friends & community members who got that expendable income & access to $$, & know that every dollar makes our livelihood possible!

XOXO
Lettie & Panda Pie

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Femmes enjoying a summer sunset at the park.

High Moon Femme Tarot Edition of this New Moon in Virgo with a Dash of Solar Eclipse: Befriending Your Own Fire

9/14/2015

 
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If you’d like to make an important donation to support this valuable work, there’s a Paypal link on the sidebar of my website.  I’d really love to receive $50-$100 for my creative efforts & healing channeling today in the form of this post.  Your energy exchange of $1-$50 makes all the difference!  Thank you so much!  

As always, I’ve been meaning to write this for days, but am just now getting to it.  Today there is soft rain & softer thunder.  I am exhausted from staying up all night with a sick kiddo, from cleaning up & comforting, because even when we do this for the ones we deeply love, it still takes from us.  My silver lining that matches today’s silver sky?  I prayed with ones I still love, was reunited with that beauty Milky Way  to slumber beneath a swath of starlight kisses, & spent most of yesterday laying in a river that glittered with mica & magic.  Perhaps it is from this place of full & open that I was waiting to write from.  Today.

This is a new offering that I want to do regularly, so there’s going to be variations on my presentation while I find what feels good.

I asked the Ancestors to come today & bring some clarity & insight about the happenings, & this is what they brought.

Past: Apprentice of Keys
Present: Seeker of Keys
Future: Ace of Keys 

Past & Apprentice of Keys: since the last new moon (August 14)

The Apprentice of Keys definitely continues to resonate with lessons learned during the last New Moon, which also included influences from Venus in Retrograde.  Apprentice of Keys can be about those relationships where you meet someone who carries wisdom that you are seeking, & vices-a-versa.  It flourishes into a relationship with reciprocity, something that feels like a peer mentorship, where you both some of the pieces but not all of the pieces.  & then Venus came with a Retrograde, & big shifts happened. 

Maybe this relationship became a tragic casualty.  Maybe things were uncovered & someone decided they were done.  Maybe your relationship was able to pass Venus’ test but things will never be the same.  Whatever the course, you are left more interested in Me, Myself, & I than before.

The Apprentice of Keys relationship was true & deep & so tender & sweet.  That shit was real, even if it no longer breathes.  It was real.  But do you know what it realer?  Sweeter?  Still breathing?  YOU.  You are, Sweet One.  That sweetship was to help heal that heart cavern in your chest, to strengthen your belief in such things, to ultimately warm you up with your own love.  You now have the skills & know how, you can trust yourself & learn from yourself.  You can now eat the fire of your own truth without fear of being burned.

Present: Seeker of Keys

The image on this card is of a hand holding a lit match, in front of 7 illuminated doors.  Right now you are ripe with opportunties.  This is the reward for learning how to eat the fire of your own truth, for not shirking it off for another cycle or five.  Fire is a symbol for not only transformation, but also alchemy, the power to turn one thing into another by applying heat, & the ability to (finally) illuminate your own path.  It’s about time, right?

Before this process brought you back to yourself, when you encountered these same seven doors, maybe only one or two were conceivable, but now that you’ve come back sweeter & softer, with the power of your own fire, your options have tripled!  This is all you! 

If this is new to you or you’re worried about making “the wrong choice” or that “you can’t really trust yourself, because that one time…” let us remind you that part of Venus’ gift of Retrograde involved brave self-forgiveness & compassion.  That is the self you can continue to build trust with.  Part of this process could have also included a purging of sorts, so make sure to keep those energy channels as clear as you can by asking those self-defeating thoughts & compulsions where they came from.  If they came from a time where you were too young or unaware to say no thank you, you can give yourself permission to let it go & keep trusting!  This will make decision making a bit easier.

Future: Ace of Keys

This is how we build trust with our future selves, the parts of us who we know hold wisdom that we ache for at times.  If you’ve ever had those moments of asking the femmeiverse, “How the fuck do I get through this?” this is the self that did it.  You do & don’t magically become someone else overnight.  We are always becoming who we were always meant to be. 

This card foretells an abundance of inspiration, treasures, growth, creativity, & affirmation that you are exactly where you need to be.  & it’s true, you are exactly where you need to be.  If you were waiting for that sign, here it is. 

It is natural to be scared that you’re gonna do it wrong when you’ve just granted yourself power & trust to go where you want when you want, which will melt into self-confidence & femmeifesting skills unparallelled before your now.  There is no longer a need to wait.  Your time is now, Sweet One, to open up all the treasures you’ve been asking for. 

XOXO
Lettie Laughter
High Moon Femme Tarot

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To schedule a tarot reading of your own with Lettie Laughter, visit 
www.highmonfemmetarot.com or email lettie.laughter@gmail.com!

High Moon Femme Tarot Edition of Full Moon in Pisces & We've Basically Survived the Venus Retrograde

8/31/2015

 
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If you’d like to make an important donation to support this valuable work, there’s a Paypal link on the sidebar of my website.  I’d really love to receive anywhere from at least $50-$100 for my creative efforts & healing channeling today in the form of this post.  Your energy exchange of $1-$50 makes all the difference!  Thank you so much!  

i read the book a few times, referenced it in the beginning, but ultimately lost it by putting it away somewhere i can't remember.  over the 10 years that i've been reading tarot, i've learned to develop my own rapport with the images, messages, lessons, & themes the cards can hold.  

i love & use these cards with reverence & gratitude.  i feel like they love me back, & our relationship deepens all the time.  sometimes during a reading they'll show me something else, like, "hey, lettie.  look at this little thing!"  & then i learn something new about that card, & it'll come up again & again until i remember on my own.  

i think cards want us to read them & create a new // rediscover an old language with them, to understand their bones, understand their growth, understand how they change & stay the same.  this is a part of what i bring to the tarot reading table when you schedule a reading with me.  

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Full Moon In Pisces Reading

As I shuffled the cards this morning, I asked, "What do we need to know about this moon?"  This is what I got.

Past: The Star
Present: Three of Keys--The Kitchen Scene
Future: Eight of Feathers--Nowhere to Go but In

When I read, I fit the cards together like a story.  This is how the Full Moon in Pisces Story goes.

So, once upon a summer, there was a sweet babe (you), who had their world rocked gently // mightily by that bright planet in the sky Venus.  Venus was // is in retrograde & decided to pull all the relationship we lied to ourselves about.  "But but but!!!  Waiiiiiit!!!" sweet babes across the planet pleaded as relationships unraveled, one after another.  

The Ancestors are saying that this was them essentially pouring blessings into our lives, like the image of The Star card.  This card is all about Ancestors supporting an endeavor that we have asked support for in the past.  The image on the card is their hands pouring & filling us up--MAGIC MAGIC MAGIC!  This is also what the Venus in Retrograde was about, clearing our the things (people, relationships, jobs, etc.) that re not compatible with the future we are femmeifesting // pulling from the dream world.  

This is all being done so that we can make changes, which is what Three of Keys--The Kitchen Scene is about.  This card is in the position of Present.  So, now that the Femmeiverse has rearranged certain hinderances, we are to begin a new.  The Kitchen Scene is about a familial recipe we inherited, let's say a jam recipe, that's also about how to live, how to love, how to survive, how to thrive, how to be in relationships--the list can go on.  

So, with this Venus Retrograde cleansing, you decide that now is the time to try that recipe out.  Maybe you have before, maybe this is your first time, either way, you realize it tastes terrible.  You make it again, thinking you must've miscalculated, & it still tastes like shit.  At this point, you can take the recipe & go to to your fam & be like," WTF?!" which will probably result in more denial, "What do you mean it tastes bad?  This is how I've always made it, how your grandma made it...who are you to change it?"  OR, you can make the changes yourself & take the improved jam to your next family gathering & wow everyone.  They might even ask you for the recipe.  Who are you to change such things as intergenerational how to live life recipes?  You simply are the one.  Please do it.     

& now we come to the last card, end of the story, but Eight of Feathers--Nowhere to Go but In reads more like To Be Continued....  On this Future card is someone who is bound & suspended & has their eyes covered.  This is someone who was able to communicate very clearly how they wanted this to happen, & for a specific reason.  They are not bound against their will.  They are searching for something.  

When you trust your intuition & rewrite that recipe for living & loving & thriving, it's gonna bring up feels.  People might get upset because how dare you.  You might wanna turn back, but Venus in Retrograde made it so you can't, & your survival things might start up, fight, flight, or freeze, but your deeper self is making itself known to you.  That is what this card is about.

The Feathers Suite is all about communication, & Eight of Feathers is about consensually putting yourself in a bind where you cannot flee, you cannot pretend not to know, you cannot fight, you cannot go anywhere but in.  Go there, sweet one.  Surrender to the thing inside that wants more for you then you ever let yourself ask for.  Come back to your sweet self with fists down, busted heart open, & receive your own love.  Something like that.  

I love you, & good luck.  I know you have it in you.

XOXO
Lettie
High Moon Femme Tarot

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To schedule a tarot reading of your own with Lettie Laughter, visit www.highmonfemmetarot.com or email lettie.laughter@gmail.com!

High Moon Femme Tarot Review

8/31/2015

 
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I feel a mix of gratitude & awe when I receive reviews like this! To read the whole review, visit. www.highmoonfemmetarot.com.

The Pie Life I Will Never Have With You, But Glimpsed One Night While We Baked

8/27/2015

 
If you’d like to make an important donation to support this valuable work, there’s a Paypal link on the sidebar of my website.  I’d really love to receive $50-$100 for my creative efforts & healing channeling today in the form of this post.  Your energy exchange of $1-$50 makes all the difference! Thank you so much!  

Dear Sugar, now known as Cheryl Strayed, wrote once about the ghost ship, based on the sentiments of another writer, Tomas Tranströmer, who says that every life “has a sister ship.”  Sugar says, “I’ll never know, and neither will you of the life you don’t choose.  We’ll only know that whatever that sister life was, it was important and beautiful and not ours.  It was the ghost ship that didn’t carry us.  There’s nothing to do but salute it from the shore.” 

I’ve been circling you for days, weeks, maybe even a month.  I cannot bring myself to read that terrible message again to know for sure what the date was when you broke my heart.  Suffice it to say, it was the last week of July.

Why am I writing to you?  Woman who broke my heart.  Woman who told me never to contact you again.  Woman who did the unthinkable unfathomable.  Everyone who knew us, knew us, says the same thing: I never thought she would do this to you.  It’s true.  Not a one of us. 

People ask me if I could ever forgive you, but what I think they are asking might be closer to: what are you going to do when you see her again?  The truest response I’ve uttered so far is that I hope I don’t because I would tell you the whole truth & nothing but the truth of what you’ve done.  I would come for you with this broken heart .

But secretly, I hope that I never see you again.  In my imagination I would be more indignant than sad, march towards you with volume up & fire everywhere, but I’ve met busted-at-the-heart-seem Lettie before, & I turn more into puppy soft & eyes that cry why.  Granted, nobody has ever done me like this before, so for all I know, I may burst into laughter & continue on my way—this is all conjecture & hope.

This past Saturday night I read that pie poem aloud to a room full of cuties.  I’ve only ever read it to myself, & my voice has always cracked into a cry or sob (as of lately), but I didn’t the other night.  I became louder & felt stronger.  I’m glad I wrote that poem right after that night because I could never extract those details from memory, especially now.  The intimacies it holds bare are so tender to me, & I guess I shared it well because at the end, I heard the collective sounds of ache & disappointment.  What a shame, their sighs said.  But that wasn’t even the best part!  The best part was my intro, it was something to the effect of, “Venus in retrograde fucked up my life the last week of July.  I was in love with my best friend & she dumped me…for her husband.  I told you it was complicated.” 

I named it in a room full of people & I didn’t die.  I even smiled & fucking laughed. 

Even though you pushed me onto the sister ghost ship that sails on without you, I see you everywhere.  I’m learning that this is the time of year when sunflowers reach for the sun & sky.  They crowd neighborhood street corners, talk amongst themselves in near empty lots next to buildings, wave gently to me from behind street signs.  They remind me of when you told me how you always wanted to run through a field of them.  They remind me when I bought you two bright bunches for your birthday last year & how you left them at my house—we all know you left them for the same reason you would disappear for days & weeks at a time, & we do not approve.

I wanted everyone to know I knew your favorite flower, & how generously I could give it to you, how happy I could make you, so this past birthday I tried again with the sunflowers.  You put them promptly into a vase, where they perched proudly on stem in the middle of your kitchen on the table who had a broken leg for months, & sang HAPPY BIRTHDAY! & partook of the frosting.  Of that, we do approve. 

You & I did a good job weaving our lives together these past few years, you are everywhere on this sister ghost ship.  It will take some time for the memory of the gap between your teeth to leave me alone, for the futures we dreamed up of this & that to melt into something without you, for me to stop missing calling you at night.  (Did you know, btw, that there are over a thousand texts between us?  I love & hate that in the last one I had the guts to say, “Fuuuuuuck you,” & that my phone took the artistic liberty of adding all the u’s where I was too afraid to.)  But the thing that riddles me is the way I learned about love with you—how to give it, receive it, dream it, care for it, ask for it, & how to run from it.  How can I have learned so much with you & then be forced to continue without you?

The sister ghost ship where you & I got to love each other the way we wanted to totally went down in the ocean, I saw it.  That’s what the birds, whales, & dolphins were feeding on when I was visiting whale country last week.  Us in our 40’s in luxurious love, laughing & brushing against each other in the kitchen, now covered in krill in the belly of a blue whale; this wreckage can only fit comfortably inside the largest mammal on Earth; us drinking coffee & smoking outside the Haunted Bookshop in Iowa City on our annual summer road trip, caught in the small sharp teeth of the rare Common Bottle Nose dolphin; you asking me on our first real date before the end of July will probably have to be swallowed whole by those oceanic magical birds because that shit is gonna require bird magic;  & waking up next to you, actually kissing you back, holding your hand, I don’t even know where those went.  Maybe they will forever reside in those deep under the sea caverns you unintentionally shared about once in my living room while you blushed furiously.  You always blushed with ferocity.

From this sister ghost ship, I salute you with middle finger stiletto nail covered in pink & purple & glitter.  Good luck out there without me & my love.

Sincerely Not Yours,
Lettie
Plutofemmebabe Death Eater Extraordinaire

P.S.
I snuck a peek.  July 27 was the day.

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i searched for the perfect sunflower this morning & found this beauty. august 2015.

I Believe in Love:  New Moon in Leo While Venus Calls Me On My "Unloveable" Shit Incantation

8/16/2015

 
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I'm new to astrology, but I've always known that the stars & planets were shaping my life.  I grew up knowing that my sun sign was in Cancer because my mom bought me this one giant pink pajama shirt with Garfield & zodiac info.  I remember loving it because my birthday was on it.  I've always loved my birthday.

Venus in Retrograde is fucking real.  I've sought out healers to help me make sense of the senseless, & some of the best insight I've received adds up to this: Don't love anyone more than you.

Reflecting on my most recent heartbreak, I can recognize now that that's exactly what I did.  I loved her more than me.  It is clear to me now that when we had that breakdown in communication this past February & I felt like I was preparing for my life without her but then she told me all the right things to make me believe that we would be ok--that was a sign.  I knew it then but was unwilling to accept what was being communicated on a deeper level.  This breakup has been coming for a long time.

In order to stay, I put her needs & the needs of her partner before me.  I trusted what she told me as opposed to what actions she was taking.  I didn't fully trust myself when my heart was little-breaking then.  I gave her & her unspoken feelings more validation than my own.  I prioritized her mental & emotional health over my own.  Once again, I gratefully accepted someone's scraps & called it a relationship.  

This pattern has surfaced more times than I care to remember, but certainly cannot forget, & this year I've been working hard to heal these wounds.  I believe that our wounds call for everything they need to heal, & maybe that is what this is about.  Maybe my heart really is tired of breaking in this way, so we called for deep healing, deep breaking open, deep honesty.  & I'll tell you what, this heartbreak has been different that the countless others.  This was the first time I didn't spend weeks & months & years blaming myself.  This time it was more like days.

I'm still rounding the edges of what the fuck.  I anticipate that there will be days where I feel rage towards her.  Every time I see a fucking sunflower I think of her.  But nowadays, I hardly ever think or utter the words, "What did I do wrong?"  

I trust that I loved her in good ways.  I trust that asking for what I want & deserve was the best thing to do.  I trust all the loss that comes with her & her partner treating me like I didn't & don't exist has nothingnothingnothing to do with me.  I trust that it is better for her to be gone now before I built deeper & longer lasting intimacies with her.  I trust that my hurt & devastation are real.  I trust that this is not my fault.  I trust that this does not mean I am unloveable.  I trust that the ways she saw & held & cared for & witnessed & loved me were real, & that I get to have that & moremoremore in my future.  I even trust that I loved her & it's ok if I miss her.  I trust this grief.

& now for the magical incantation love spell part of all of this:

i.
i believe in love.

i believe i can experience love in healing & magical ways.

i believe i can keep my heart open, even when it feels broken.

i believe i can trust what my heart is telling me.


ii.
i fall in love with ease.

i fall in love like breathing.

i fall in love with people who love me back.

i fall in love with my ancestor’s blessings.

i fall in love like falling stars.


iii.
i’m falling in love falling in love falling in love

like the moon.

i’m falling in love falling in love falling in love

like i did at 16.

i’m falling in love falling in love falling in love

like summer.

i’m falling in love falling in love falling in love

like i believe.            

i'm falling in love falling in love falling in love

like i've got nothing to lose & everything to gain.


iv.
& so it is.



Picture
i know it's a new moon not a full moon, but the moon is full & whole whether or not we can see her full glory. & my sister made this shirt for me for my 29th birthday. i was crawling out of some of my deepest heartache that summer, & little did i know that another wave was building to bowl me over. but the point is: i survived. i survived then & i'll survive now. i have also fallen in love sine then, & i will fall in love again.
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    Photo by Wit López, 2016


    ​Lettie Laughter

    is a chronically ill queer brown femme, community healer, poet, playwright, & performer extraordinaire.  They live, femmeifest, love, & write in Philly.

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