I Believe in Love: New Moon in Leo While Venus Calls Me On My "Unloveable" Shit Incantation

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I'm new to astrology, but I've always known that the stars & planets were shaping my life.  I grew up knowing that my sun sign was in Cancer because my mom bought me this one giant pink pajama shirt with Garfield & zodiac info.  I remember loving it because my birthday was on it.  I've always loved my birthday.

Venus in Retrograde is fucking real.  I've sought out healers to help me make sense of the senseless, & some of the best insight I've received adds up to this: Don't love anyone more than you.

Reflecting on my most recent heartbreak, I can recognize now that that's exactly what I did.  I loved her more than me.  It is clear to me now that when we had that breakdown in communication this past February & I felt like I was preparing for my life without her but then she told me all the right things to make me believe that we would be ok--that was a sign.  I knew it then but was unwilling to accept what was being communicated on a deeper level.  This breakup has been coming for a long time.

In order to stay, I put her needs & the needs of her partner before me.  I trusted what she told me as opposed to what actions she was taking.  I didn't fully trust myself when my heart was little-breaking then.  I gave her & her unspoken feelings more validation than my own.  I prioritized her mental & emotional health over my own.  Once again, I gratefully accepted someone's scraps & called it a relationship.  

This pattern has surfaced more times than I care to remember, but certainly cannot forget, & this year I've been working hard to heal these wounds.  I believe that our wounds call for everything they need to heal, & maybe that is what this is about.  Maybe my heart really is tired of breaking in this way, so we called for deep healing, deep breaking open, deep honesty.  & I'll tell you what, this heartbreak has been different that the countless others.  This was the first time I didn't spend weeks & months & years blaming myself.  This time it was more like days.

I'm still rounding the edges of what the fuck.  I anticipate that there will be days where I feel rage towards her.  Every time I see a fucking sunflower I think of her.  But nowadays, I hardly ever think or utter the words, "What did I do wrong?"  

I trust that I loved her in good ways.  I trust that asking for what I want & deserve was the best thing to do.  I trust all the loss that comes with her & her partner treating me like I didn't & don't exist has nothingnothingnothing to do with me.  I trust that it is better for her to be gone now before I built deeper & longer lasting intimacies with her.  I trust that my hurt & devastation are real.  I trust that this is not my fault.  I trust that this does not mean I am unloveable.  I trust that the ways she saw & held & cared for & witnessed & loved me were real, & that I get to have that & moremoremore in my future.  I even trust that I loved her & it's ok if I miss her.  I trust this grief.

& now for the magical incantation love spell part of all of this:

i.
i believe in love.

i believe i can experience love in healing & magical ways.

i believe i can keep my heart open, even when it feels broken.

i believe i can trust what my heart is telling me.


ii.
i fall in love with ease.

i fall in love like breathing.

i fall in love with people who love me back.

i fall in love with my ancestor’s blessings.

i fall in love like falling stars.


iii.
i’m falling in love falling in love falling in love

like the moon.

i’m falling in love falling in love falling in love

like i did at 16.

i’m falling in love falling in love falling in love

like summer.

i’m falling in love falling in love falling in love

like i believe.            

i'm falling in love falling in love falling in love

like i've got nothing to lose & everything to gain.


iv.
& so it is.

i know it's a new moon not a full moon, but the moon is full & whole whether or not we can see her full glory. & my sister made this shirt for me for my 29th birthday. i was crawling out of some of my deepest heartache that summer, & little did i know that another wave was building to bowl me over. but the point is: i survived. i survived then & i'll survive now. i have also fallen in love sine then, & i will fall in love again.