My Life is a Queer Brown Femme Love Letter & Don't Ever Fuck Me Over & Break My Heart: Titles of My Memoirs, Short Story Collections, Poetry Chapbooks, Etc.

i've been going through it.  i dunno if you know, but just to clarify, i get fucked over a lot.  like, it isn't a fluke that happens every once in a while, it is systemic & it happens all the fuckin time.  these things always involve people i love & trust with privilege that isn't being accounted for, even after multiple conversations where i do copious amounts of preparation & emotional labour.  it sucks.  it hurts.  i'm not saying it's gonna be this way forever & ever, but it has been thus far.  

last night i just got tired of holding this all in, so 1 title became 33, which i really like because my 32nd birthday is coming up & there's one more for good luck.  & here i am , here we are.  i share these with lots of love & a fuck you to those applicable.  xoxo

1. i never wanna see your face or hear your name again: death eater femme memoir
2. i was so sad & lonely i learned how to eat my grief to feel full: a how to for when people won't stop // act like they can't stop fucking you over
3. how to keep falling in love with yourself when all your significant intimate relationships are with abusive assholes dripping with social capital
4. how i survived even when nobody wanted me to: singing baby selves to sleep every night with ancestral prayers you remember from your bones
5. take my name outta your mouth & forget you ever knew my 'O' face because you're never gonna get it again
6. i survived losing everything & everyone, what makes you think you're so special?
7. BIPOC FEMMES SAVE EACH OTHER'S LIVES EVERYDAY: don't come crying to us when you realize we have no fucks for you
8. washing my floorboards & invisible headboards with tears because you made my house another site of violence: i survived your shitty survival
9. my ancestors didn't survive so i could be miserable, & i take back every sweet thing i ever said about you to you because fuck you: how lettie called back their power
10. i threw your colonizer chocolates into the river by my house along with your shells: rituals to let go of shitty exes
11. you fucked up, goodbye: BIPOC femmes owe you shit because you've already taken so much you thankless asshole
12. if you're not feeding me or giving me money for my labor, fuck off: femme labor is not for free, fucker
13. so you don't know what a boundary is or how to respect one?: things to cry to someone else about
14. please stay alive: how to survive shitty community lack of accountability that makes you wanna die all the time
15. i love you, baby, it's not your fault: affirmations for when it feels like you're not supposed to be alive anymore
16. you deserve the best best best: how to keep breathing when white masc of center queers afraid of their feelings dispose of you when fucking you becomes too complicated & the larger community follows suit
17. you have every right to feel this way: keep naming your experiences that make people upset because it's nothing compared to what you've survived
18. i might still be afraid of you but my ancestors aren't: a spell book for how to work through breaking up with manipulative exes who silence you before you even put a complete thought together
19. my heart keeps beating & my eyes keep crying: how i came to trust a body that housed all the violence a brown body could
20. even though we share identities i'm still gonna love me & hate you: pluto femme babe powers
21. echoes in the park pavilion: how to shut your ex down when you explicitly stated you didn't want to talk about how she spent the night at your previous (shitty) ex's the same day you broke up with her & she refused to leave your house until you called a neighbor friend to walk over for help
22. cw: mention of sexual assault
    you get to be angry & hate as long as you want when your ex sexually assaults you in your home & you don't even know it then stalks you but you can't prove it & too many people treat your trauma like it's not real because your ex is a white cis woman
23. the summer of bras in the front yard: a collection of short & beautiful stories of resilience & magic
    
24. you know i love you when i cook you potatoes: tells from a broke ass brown femme homo maker magician
25. remember how i get cuter every year since & you're stuck where i left you?: perks of surviving all the breakups & posting all the selfies they'll never see because you blocked their ass years ago
26. lol when you tried to pretend like you never fell for me but we both know those love poems had my pussy all up in them & that's all that matters
27. you will never be the one i wrote all those love poems for, but you can sure die trying: a collection of revenge through the best orgasms
28. i love you & i forgive you for everything we knew & had yet to learn: prayers for surviving familial violence only to stumble into shitty community that abuses you, too
29. when they tell you that you're special but what they mean is i wanna abuse you in private: how to use trust your gut when there's less than savory dating prospects out there
30. but you told me you loved me: spells & affirmations to gently call yourself back when abuse is disguised as love
31. someone should hold YOU accountable!: how assholes you're trying to hold accountable turn the tables & you end up feeling confused because that's how they keep being shitty
32. it's your turn to do the dishes: when your white so called friends never bat an eye at all the cooking & cleaning you did at their house because white supremacy
33. my hair will fuck you up & the moon is coming for you: how to cast spells so people leave you the fuck alone
    

my glow from last night. end of june 2015.