How Beautiful We Are All the Time

i am tired.  i am hungry.  when is my life gonna feel good for longer than a few months?  when is everything gonna stop feeling so damn hard?  when can i finally exhale-hale-hale?

i meant this to be some kind of gratitude list, but that feels so hard right now.  i am back in SLC after a week in LA, & i feel so lonely, so subtly devastated that this place is so awful.  i feel under appreciated here, & i don't often enough get to spend time with the ones that do because we are all busy, either with families or jobs or simply our own survival.

this is a selfie of me on day 6 in LA last week.  this was me after two trips to the ocean to pray & play.  this was me after a drive up the coast talking & listening to a deer friend.  this was me after my sistar invited me over for homemade caldo & vegan carrot cake with no raisins.  this is me after a femme of color fundraiser that i went to with tiny shirts coven babe member & we talked for hours in the car about desire & how we're trying to heal.  this was me after finding a giant piece of black tourmaline for $20 on mother's day.  this was me after the sweetest posts & texts from beloved femmeily & family.  this is me after having fried chicken for dinner & finally finishing season 6 of buffy & witnessing her relief of not having to save the world for fucking once.  this is me after femme of color yoga & sweet sweet femme reunion with someone who changed my life with the simple question of, "how do you feel loved?  & how can i do that for you?"  this is me after so many deep tears finally had enough distance & support to come out.  this is me remembering who i am.  

& these are cute flowers from my neighbors tree, whose petals are all gone now & i'm glad i seized the moment so i could share how beautiful we both are.  all the time.