confessions of a pluto femme babe death eater springtime regenerator

maybe today is the day i talk a little bit about being a death eater.  i have been sad for a long time, for so many reasons, some of which i have already talked about with you, here, some of which i haven’t yet.  last year i had my astrological chart read, & one of the most important pieces of info to come from it was the fact my chart is heavy with pluto energy: death, destruction, rebirth, regeneration.  this is basically my fucking life. 

pluto is what allows me my grief // sadness // wtf life things super powers.  yes, super powers.  because i can sit with these feels & not die.  i have survived so many waves of trauma that i now have chronic depression, anxiety, & varying intensities of ptsd.  i have died in so many ways over the years, mostly unwillingly in the beginning, but after losing everything & everyone enough times, my unwilling turned into some kind of willingness.  i have become adept with grace when it comes to making the call to burn a bridge, cut the energetic chords with someone i was in relationship with, crushing the bones so something else // that we WANT can be ushered into our precious lives.

the astrologist also explained that because my chart is so heavy with pluto, it means i can sit with someone, witness their feels & process, & then do this digestion thing—like bring their grief & feels into my body—& then transform it into something else before giving it back.  “it doesn’t hurt you or anything.  you don’t even take it on!”  this is true.  this is exemplary of my death eating powers. 

there is this ancient part of me praying, bring me your almost dead parts, the pieces you don’t know how to let go of, the selves that need to die so you can come back.  so you can come back, come back from the dead.

coming back from the dead is the surprising part for me.  like, i can sit in grief & sadness, but i’ve learned that the ancestors don’t want me to stay in that state.  they also want me to claim my destiny of plentiful love & springtime in the body—springtime in the body is my counter balance to death eating, the acts of being alive that bring my death sodden body warmth.  while in the beginning of my buffy watching experience, i found myself asking a question that continues to shape my life: what do i come back from the dead for? 

the following is my what i come back from the dead for // how i bring springtime back to my body // because i stayed alive that one day i got to experience a miracle later that week gratitude list:

• baby Panda
• learning how to roast brussel sprouts real good
• seeing my first poem in print
• performing my poetry for an ocean of femmes
• falling in love
• learning how much my heart can open, still
• remembering i am the medicine
• when a friend came to town & we picked greens from the garden every morning & made eggs & sat on the porch in our underwear with coffee & a smoke & all our stories
• uncovering brown femme babe fam at the baberation
• the QTPOC new moon ritual happening on ocean beach on my 30th birthday & the way they bloomed into song when i arrived & i couldn't stop smiling
• femmes: loving, fucking, worshipping, crushing
• when i missed my flight outta chicago & the two folks i interacted with said, "i think you missed that flight so i could talk with you.  i needed this," & i knew it was true
• lipstick
• orgasms
• tiny shirts coven
• being gifted a song from lettie
• a sober, magical life
• picking up where my ancestors left off
• my altar is a handcrafted half door painted purple gifted from a fellow whale heart
• forgiveness
• being a death doula for my grandmothers
• discovering how i come a lineage from healers, witches, orators, community healers
• a new relationship with my mother because each of us grieved the other like they were dead & something really did die & this isn't just a new chapter, it's a new fuckin book
• trust in myself because i know i can leave any situation that hurts me rather than heals me, no matter the person
• healing intergeneration trauma 
• making a new future possible for our precious descendants 
• reading cards for folks
• being read aloud to
• books in the mail as venus in cancer flirting
• femme crush confessions
• the best kind of love ridden sleeplessness
• my femme bottom sisterwife
• when that one femme called me a femme bottom goddess & sent me a postcard that said, "i look forward to kissing this off of your gorgeous lips when i return"
• all the stories people have entrusted me with
• my mother giving me her blessing to use her mother's name & recognized me as a healer
• my brown hands

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chicago, end of march 2015