in the beginning, i only knew you loved me in your absence. later, you confirmed to me that you spent whole afternoons crying alone, promising to come clean to me. i never asked when it was you first knew you loved me more than we put on. i always thought i had more time because i always think i have more time. for anyone who ever wants to reduce me to pessimism: fuck you. i only started to feel the sting of your withdrawals a few years ago. there was this one fall late afternoon turned evening when you were catching me up on your happenings while you were away, & i knew all my intuitions were true. as we perched half in & half out of the couch that eats you, you told me of the game you (probably still) play(ed) everyday, & how the husband of your character died, & then of how this woman began to spend time at the community center where she met a friend. some time later, when she would hang out with this friend, who was also a woman, hearts began appearing. though the game you play(ed) did not allow them to get married, which is usually where the hearts led to, you made it so they could live together. this made everyone happy. the quality of their collective lives improved. you looked slightly embarrassed & slightly invigorated as you relayed this story to me. all i wanted to know was, “does your husband have to die for you to be with me, too?” * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * the snowless December night you confessed you liked me-liked me, we stood outside my house smoking. you had been drinking a little. not my preference as far as confessional revelations go, but whatever. i asked you why you were giving someone i was sweet with such a hard time about not calling me when she said she would. you weren’t this hard on e! i teased, knowing well why. the fact that someone was saying, “i love you” in return gave me a bolster of confidence. i had promised myself that i would never say it first. not to you. you are married. i had resolved to carry this love for you inside forever because you were my best friend, & i wanted all the silly pie making, apron wearing, tincture conjuring dreams of when we’re 40 to come true. i was making good on this promise. you wanna know the truth?! [you smiled.] yes. [i smiled back.] the truth truth? yes. well, the truth is… [& then our friend erupted from the bright blue front door to say she was leaving & good night. we all hugged & then we were alone. again.] so, you were about to tell me the truth. i was? [laughs & smiles.] yes, you were. & then with all the blasé she could muster: i think we all know i’d be with you if i weren’t married to ------. you finally said it! [i couldn’t help but laugh a bit.] you knew?! [with fake incredulousness.] yeah! but i wasn’t gonna say anything! everyone knows! so & so asked me last year about it! they know? as the moon & stars as my witness, i swear to Pluto this is true. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * two-ish weeks later, we flirted deliberately for the first & last time, something like a falling star or meteor that turns to vapor in the atmosphere. everyone was over at my house, & we had just had dinner. you got off work early to everyone’s surprise & my delight. as ------ & everyone else convened in the other living room, we sat alone on the long olive couch, next to each other. You were telling me how you were bursting to tell ------ how you felt about me. …not tonight, though! you’ve been drinking & it’s late. i know, i know. not tonight. but soon. do you want me to give you some kind of signal? yes. in case i have to prepare for anything. i wish i could remember what led up to the two flirty comments we offered at each other’s feet, but i can’t. what i do remember is that we were talking about something & laughing, & she began to blush. you’re blushing! [more giggles.] & then the softest pause. i like it when you make me blush. [more blushing.] i like to make you blush. when i remember that exchange, it feels like it the closest thing we will ever get to a non-your-birthday kiss. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * within a month, you sent the signal through text: i’ve opened a can of worms. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * two out of the last three birthdays you’ve kissed me. the first year was a complete surprise because you didn’t ask. it was your 33rd birthday, & we were standing outside in your old courtyard, smokinglaughingtalking, & you kissed me on the mouth. then you did it again. that was when i knew i liked you-liked you. i’ve had friendships where we kiss on the cheek &/or lips to greet & farewell each other, but that was not us. there was an urgency to your kisses that year that my lips remember. the second birthday kiss you gave me was this past pisces march. you were wine drunk on an almost empty stomach. i can’t remember if we asked for someone to take our picture or if someone asked to take our picture, but we posed & you kissed the side of my face in your kitchen. you held the kiss so long i felt your mustache whiskers tickle my face. you held the kiss so long by the time our friend took the picture, i was all beam. i was wearing my OMG rhinestone necklace, & that was kinda how i felt. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Deer Future Ancestor Lettie, i now understand that if i’m surveying for proof of how much someone might like or love me, that that is a problem. at that point i should probs pick up my sweet ass & get the fuck out, or at the very least, stay away. [i just did a deep sigh as i reread that, which usually means that something is so very true. my body agrees.] * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * i’ve gotta save myself from the memory of you. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * the day you sent me that terrible robot message, i became an ocean. wild & uncontrollable with the potential to drown everything & everyone. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * there were so many signs i ignored.
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